IN DREAMS Reading 1-2 Blackburn Rovers

The second half of this game was like waking up after a great dream. The last 16 months had, it appeared, been a fantasy. Reading hadn't indeed won the Championship with a record points margin after all, the excellent start to the subsequent Premiership season had been a figment of a tired imagination. We all woke up to discover that Reading were indeed still crap, playing in Division 2 against Walsall and Mark Reilly was playing.

The dream that Reading were going to qualify for europe had evaporated at half time during a game against one time Premiership champions Blackburn. They had dominated, led through James HARPER's effort curled around Friedel and had hit the woodwork through Sidwell with Doyle also squandering a good chance when well placed. Unfortunately, the Reading players were apparently kidnapped at half time and with the ever frugal Mr Madejski unwilling to pay the ransom, a team of imposters sleepwalked their way through the second half. Benni McCARTHY finally stole in for an overdue equaliser midway through a second half dominated by the visitors having seen 37 earlier efforts disallowed for offside/cheating/having a bad hair cut. David BENTLEY - right foot by Pele, jaw by Bruce Forsyth - smashed in the eventual winner, inevitably and generously supplied by that familiar source the Reading misplaced pass. Stand up and take a bow John Oster for lsoing us the game within a minute of coming on as substitute.

Floyd on Football apologises to readers for the inconvenience and subsequent brevity of this late, late match report on the wretched events of last Saturday. Floyd on Football has since been in an alcoholic, stress-related coma, unable to find the keyboard through the tears and the Thames Valley mid-December fog. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible - but that's enough about the Reading team for now.

Reading: Hahnemann, Murty, Shorey, Sonko, Ingimarsson, Little (Oster, 83), Sidwell, Harper, Hunt (Long, 85), Seol (Lita, 76), Doyle. Subs not used: Federici, Gunnarsson.

Floyd's Favourite: Not applicable.

MERRY CHRISTMAS Alan Pardew

Merry Christmas, Alan Pardew. May God's love be with you.

Erstwhile RFC manager and proven liar was sacked by West Ham's Scrooge-like board today. A mere three weeks into Icelandar Eggert Magnusson's reign and with the unahppy-Hammers stranded near the bottom of the Premiership, they have decided to 'Pard company' with their manager whom they poached from Reading FC a little over three years ago.

The football world is bound to come out in support of the man who a mere six months ago had West Ham on the brink of winning the FA Cup, their third trip to Cardiff in as many years following two play-off finals under AP. Floyd on Football is less sympathetic; the man lied when he told a RFC fans forum a matter of weeks before walking out on his contract that he "wasn't going anywhere" and reneged on his deal with John Madejski. Perhaps Mr Pardew might give his old adversary and fellow unemployed ex-Reading manager Mark McGhee a call over the Christmas period? They could share a glass of mulled wine and a mince pie on Boxing Day and watch Reading's televised Premiership fixture at Chelsea together.

ZZZZZZZZ Watford 0-0 Reading

Relegation certainties Watford have announced two new signings which will be completed during the January transfer window. They are Andre the Giant and Kevin Francis.

Floyd on Football has a lot of sympathy with Watford last season as they marched headlong towards an unlikely play-off promotion at the expense of several divine right 'big' clubs. That novelty has happily long since worn off. It's fair to say that Aidy Boothroyd doesn't believe in the beautiful game, more the rubesque game - stick eleven big blokes in your team and hit scary big diagonal balls for an hour and a half. It is football by osmosis. And as a spectacle it is diabolical to watch.

Reading were in many ways equally culpable; with the slight frames of messrs Oster and Hunt not up for the physicality of the ocassion, our sole tactic was Hahnemann's long punt up to little Lita and diddy Doyle which as tactical plans go is akin to asking the 7 Dwarves to decorate your christmas tree. However, given that we had had a long, brusing midweek trip which denied us of another couple of first team members laid up with injury in Jon Fearne's Emergency Ward 10, Floyd on Football tends to have more sympathy with Reading after this entirely tedious football match.

Match report? Lita rolled two chances wide and erstwhile Royal Darius Henderson hit one down Hahnemann's gulliver. All this 'action' took place in the first half; the second 45 was so lacking in incident that it is entirely possible that Del Amitri wrote their song Nothing Really Happens with this encounter in mind. The one piece of good news is that we only have to watch Watford once more this season before their inevitable and deserved relegation.

Reading: Hahnemann, Bikey, Shorey, Sonko, Ingimarsson, Oster (Little, 89), Sidwell, Harper, Hunt, Doyle, Lita (Long, 74). Subs not used: Federici, Sodje, Gunnarsson.

Floyd's Favourite: Sonko. He will have a sore head this morning.

CALLING THE TOON Newcastle United 3-2 Reading

As the Floyd on Football 2006 winter tour comes to an end, our media department finally have chance to update the midweek action from our visit to Geordieland. A week which included promotional visits to such glamorous outposts as the Royal Berkshire Hospital, Shinfield, Stansted, St John's Wood, Lambeth, Southwark and Watford also found time for a flying visit to Newcastle to take in the first ever league encounter between the host city and the rip-roaring Royals who were aiming to go third in the league with a point.

This visit was a hugely successful one for Floyd on Football PLC (Pissed-up liability chump) and we would like to thank the Dene Hotel, Jesmond and Northumbria Police for making sure the evening went without a hitch. Unfortunately, due to the large amount of complimentary alcohol quaffed backstage before the gig, memories of the evening's entertainment remain somewhat hazy but an attempt at some sort of post-match de-brief follows.

St James's Park - a stunning local landmark reverred around these parts, arguably more so than even the Tyne Bridge, the Angel of the North and Buffalo Joe's. For the casual once a season foreign visitor however one must have a Brian Blessed-esque love of mountaineering and a tank full of oxygen for taking your seat inside this stadium is akin to climbing the north face of the Eiger. Once you have mounted 14 flights of stairs the view from above is quite tremendous, like looking down upon a subbuteo pitch. And so a a full travelling allocation of loyal Reading fans, many of whom must have pulled a sickie for this Wednesday night visit to the far north - for which we thank the Spectrum 48k fixture computer from the bottom of our hearts - sung their hearts out as the teams kicked off a right ding-dong of a battle.

Newcastle had the best of the opening exchanges and should have took the lead when Sibierski put a free header straight into Hahnemann's grateful midriff. The lead did come halfway through the first 45 when SIBIERSKI did far better to glance Solano's arcing touchline cross home and we began to feel a long way from home shortly afterwards as Obefemi Martins nutted another right flank centre against the woodwork. Reading are no southern softies though and made it a case of Newcastle Brown Pants in the ten minutes before halftime. Oster's good work allowed HARPER to let fly from the edge of the box and a deflection beat Given; the Irish 'keeper then made a quite improbable save from Seol's header before HARPER, having found his range, buried another effort from the back of the 18 yard box having been fed by substiute Little.

Reading led 2-1 at the break and the famous St James's fanatical support - so fanatical of course that this match was watched by a crowd of around 4,000 below capacity - were rather subdued and increasingly rather grumpy. This mood of gloom continued for the opening fifteen minutes or so of a second half entirely dominated by Reading but given that this is the commencement of pantomime season then cue the imput of the arch pantomime widow, the ever incompetent Rob Styles. Mr Styles judged that Sonko's coming together with Martins was worthy of a penalty kick - a second against us in two games 'refereed' by the Waterlooville wanker this season - which he would never have awarded down the other end in a million years. MARTINS sent the spit-kick wide of Hahnemann who had guessed the right way.

So from looking to stretch our lead to being pegged back to 2-2 , the mood of the game had entirely changed on the whim of one man. Styles, in typically horse-stable-door-bolted style attempted to even things up with a curious decision to overrule what looked a good goal by Sibierksi but Reading were now up against it, especially as our counter-attacking progress was more often than not thwarted by cynical fouls from the home team which went unpunished by the cowardly Styles. As Reading players ended up limping towards the end of a tiring match against a side who had not played a fixture the previous weekend - another triumph for Spectrum 48k - it was no great surprise when the home side stole a winner; EMRE running clear to crash a drive over Hahnemann after Harper had inexplicably blotted his thus far spotless copybook by giving the ball away cheaply.

So the Reading supporters filed out disappointed but by no means disconsolate and the home side, assembled for many millions more than our modest means, climbed out of the relegation zone as we made our way into the Newcastle night to make hay and to make our voices heard. Rob Styles, meanwhile, will be hearing from Floyd on Football's legal team.

Reading: Hahnemann, Murty (Bikey, 88), Shorey, Sonko, Ingimarsson, Oster, Sidwell, Harper, Hunt (Little, 34), Seol, Doyle (Lita, 80). Subs not used: Federici, Gunnarsson.

Floyd's Favourite: Harper. Will be rightly distraught at the loose pass which lef to the winner but finished neatly twice to put us ahead in an exciting game.

BOLTON THE DOOR Reading 1-0 Bolton Wanderers

Bolton Wanderers provide possibly the Premiership's most prominent physical challenge. Set piece delivery is always accurate, they have a number of big beefy types across the park and they can also play a bit when they put their mind to it. They have brain to complement their considerable brawn and this was always likely to be a tough assignment for the Coppell project.

Since promotion back to the top flight in 2001, Bolton have beaten all of the big boys on ocassion and are well known for upsetting the apple cart, Arsene Wenger being the most recently bruised pomme. As visitors go, they are about as popular as Michael Barrymore at a pool party and we expected a real ding-dong battle against a side who started the day in the Premiership's top 4. We hadn't faced a side quite like Bolton so far since our elevation to the top table but Reading weren't in the mood to make a pig's breakfast out of the Trotters.

In recent weeks we have been starting games bright eyed and bushy tailed and it was another athletic, up and et 'em kind of opening again at the MadStad. Stephen Hunt was busy if not always effctive down the left flank and a chance was fashioned for James Harper to crash a first time effort wide of the post. Floyd on Football was expecting a Bolton aerial bombardment from corners and free kicks but in the first hour or so of this keenly fought often brusing encounter that threat never really materialised, indeed it was Reading who forced a string of early set pieces and it was Ingimarsson who sliced the best opening wide of the target. Reading were out-Boltoning Bolton at times; Jaaskelainen went tumbling under pressure in the area when he flapped at a cross and Sidwell's follow up thundered against the cross bar although referee Wiley had already blown up for a generous freekick decision to the visitors.

This match was not always easy on the eye but the winning goal was one for the purists. The magnificent Nicky Shorey strode busily down the wing from inside his own half, as he did on nuerous ocassions today, and his pass over to the far side was delightfully taken in his stride by Oster who stood up a wicked delivery which DOYLE headed back towards and gleefully past the Bolton 'keeper into the net. A truly brilliant goal which would be played on clip shows for many years to come were it scored by Brazil rather than Reading, still about as fashionable as a zip up fleece on Les Dennis.

Bolton had a mini-revival before the break with the utterly unpleasant El Hadji-Diouf and Kevin 'elbows' Davies to the fore. Diouf went down like a sack of shit under a legitimate Sonko challenge, spat the dummy and would later be withdrawn long before the end of the game whilst Davies - who you suspect could have put his forearm into the face of the Queen Mother this afternoon without sanction from Alan Wiley - is also a clever footballer albeit one with a backside in a different postal district from his barrel chest such is the girth of the 48 year old northern veteran. In the second half, an exciting end-to-end football match broke out with Oster smashing an ill-timed volley over following Hunt's inviting centre, Nolan poking narrowly wide after a scarmble in the Reading goal mouth and Shorey seeing a 25 yard pot shot whistle over the top with Jaaskelainen rooted to his spot.

Lita had an instinctive first-time effort saved by the Bolton 'keeper who was to make a right nuisance of himself deep into injury time. Bolton turned the screw in those closing stages as visiting substitute Ivan Campo took over refereeing duties from Wiley and the visitors won a series of dubious free kicks and throw ins. These were always delivered with menacingly accurate muscle onto the Reading near post and the man-mountain Sonko came to the fore where mere mortals would have buckled. A corner right at the death was seized by Hahnemann and with Jaaskelainen lurking with intent in the Reading box and then all at once finding himself stranded, the visiting 'keeper almost dislocated his opposite number's shoulder by pulling his arm back as Marcus was ready to release. A cynical piece of play which cost the Finn a yellow card and best summed up a crafty Bolton side. A Bolton side which were deservedly beaten on the day as we held firm under a late bararge and moved up into a very snug looking sixth place in the Premiership.

Reading: Hahnemann, Murty, Shorey, Sonko, Ingimarsson, Oster (Gunnarsson, 87), Sidwell, Harper, Hunt, Seol (Lita, 76), Doyle. Subs not used: Federici, Bikey, Long.

Floyd's Favourite: Shorey. For England. Marauding raid down the left flank and an accurate cross field pass brought about the winner.